Remember that big fight the Palins got into back in September when they crashed someone else’s birthday party? There will be no charges, but the police report is out now — and it’s a glorious record of the amazing, privileged behavior of Alaska’s former First Family. Start with Bristol’s self-serving account of her confrontation with homeowner and birthday celebrant Korey Klingenmeyer:

She stated she didn’t know who Corey (sic) was and then said that Korey had drug her across the lawn by her legs and was calling her a cunt and a slut. She said the guy with the red shirt was dragging her. When asked how it started, she said that her little sister told her that a girl had hit her so she walked up and asked what 40 year old was pushing her sister and that’s when some guy walked up and pushes her on the ground. And starts dragging her on the lawn and calling her names. She says that she walks out into the cul dr sac (sic) and they took her sandals and sunglasses. She says she then saw Track getting attacked so she tried to help him out. She said she didn’t know what else happened and didn’t have a clue whether she hit him or not.

Compare Bristol’s odd, dreamlike narrative to Klingenmeyer’s detailed, coherent statement:

He appeared to be mildly intoxicated. He was angry that the Palins had showed up and were causing the problems…(H)e was told that there was a fight in the cul de sac in front of his house, and he told everyone not to get involved and he stayed out back of the house in the party. Several minutes later Bristol and he believes Willow Palin came around the back of the house. Bristol then came up and said she was going to beat that girl’s ass. Korey told her that he wasn’t going to have any of that here and told her to go home. The then asked “who the fuck are you?” And he told her he was the one who owns this house and there’s no fighting going on here. She then told him that he doesn’t own this place and that she will kick his ass. He says then that she hits him in the face. He says he then tells her to hit him again if it makes her feel better and she does. He says he lets her hit him 5-8 times in the face and that she was hitting pretty hard. After about the sixth punch he grabbed her fist as she punched again and and he pushed back and she falls down. He says she gets up and tries to punch him again and he pushed back and she falls down. He says she gets up and tries to punch him again and he grabs her fist again and pushes her away and she falls down again. As that time 3-4 guys come up the driveway and one was yelling that they were going to beat his ass for beating his sister. At that time he said several guys from the party stepped in to help him and a fight broke out and the Palins ended up losing. He said after it was over that Bristol came up and tried to hit him again but he didn’t let her.

All the other witnesses at the party confirm Klingenmeyer’s version of events:

I interviewed these three people and their stories were the same one as Klingemeyer’s, that Bristol had come up to Korey very angry, wanted to assault one of the guests and when Korey stopped her and told her to leave she threatened to hit him and he told her to go ahead and she hit him in the face with her fist several times until he stopped her and pushed her back. That is when she went to the ground.

[…] Eric (Thompson) said Bristol and her sister come up to the home owner in the back yard. He was asking her not to do anything there because it was a birthday party and she punched him in the face 6 times. He was telling her to leave and trying to walk her out of the yeard and she kept hitting him in the face the whole time. Eric said he never hit her back and was very civil with her the whole time.

[…] Brian (McGee) said that he was in the back yard when Bristol came over. He said she walked up to the other guy outside and she was yelling at him. She hit him in the face and he asked her if that made her feel good. The the man started telling Bristol to get off his property. She hit him about 5 or 6 times and he tried to block a few of the punches.

You can read the entire police report below. The brawl seems to have begun when Track Palin, a rather simple-minded boy who takes after his belligerent mother, started an altercation in front of the house. According to one witness, Track even tried to pick a fight with his own father. This chaos of runaway egos ended when the police were called, however, because the report suggests that the Palins were hurriedly trying to hide Track in their rented stretch limousine when officers arrived.

Bristol’s aggression greatly escalated an already-violent situation, and then the entire family seems to have retreated into defensive denialism. Just think: this bunch was very nearly a heartbeat away from the White House.

Palin Brawl Police Report