As he was leaving Jamaica this weekend, President Obama stopped at the top of the jetway outside Air Force One and launched a rainbow into the sky (see above photograph). Within the hour, reports of ordinary straight people suddenly turning gay emerged all over Jamaica, confirming the right wing conspiracy theories about our president’s magic Muslim powers.
“Obama doesn’t act like a Christian at all,” said noted cultural commentator Victoria Jackson. A close friend of Andrew Breitbart, the late right wing internet pioneer whose name lives on at Breitbart.com, Jackson is sure that Obama takes inspiration from the dark forces of Islam. “He supports abortion and same-sex marriage,” she says. “Nobody will say the truth. He’s an Islamic jihadist.”
Republican presidential aspirant Mike Huckabee agrees that a ‘gay jihad’ is trying to erase Jesus from America. “It won’t stop until there are no more churches, until there are no more people who are spreading the Gospel,” Huckabee said, “and I’m talking now about the unabridged, unapologetic Gospel that is really God’s truth.”
Phil Robertson, the patriarch of television’s Duck Dynasty, agrees that homosexuals should be grouped with terrorists.
Anti-gay conservatives have speculated for some time that sinister forces are using a ‘gay bomb’ and other technologies to queer America. In addition to the president’s own gay-ray, the US Air Force has reportedly been spraying the nation with a rainbow of queering chemicals since the Obama administration began. Reliable sources on the internet recently published this photograph of a chemtrail mission allegedly being conducted over Indiana, which saw a recent kerfuffle about a ‘religious freedom’ bill that anti-gay conservatives promoted to legalize discrimination by private businesses.
Jerome Corsi, whose 2004 book about John Kerry’s wartime service gave us the phrase ‘swift-boating’ to name deranged political attacks based on unnamed sources and dubious research, has been reporting on Obama’s alleged homosexuality for years. He previously exposed the role of Obama’s Kenyan half-bother Malik in financing the Muslim Brotherhood by citing Walid Shoebat, who claims to be a former Palestinian terrorist. “Was (Obama) married before he was married? Was he married to a guy? What’s the deal? I think these are legitimate questions,” Corsi asks.
Aiming his remarks towards the ‘Patriot movement,’ Cliff Kincaid of the right wing Accuracy In Media organization warns that Obama’s call for an end to ‘gay conversion therapy’ for minors is in fact a brainwashing program for ‘straight’ children. “We are now seeing Obama and the progressives, including the homosexual movement, making a raw power grab for our kids,” Kincaid declares. Kincaid is also one of the few reporters in the world courageous enough to insist that Muslim-only ‘no-go zones’ exist in European cities even if the Europeans can’t see them.
Former Republican presidential contender and octogenarian TV personality Pat Robertson worries that the “gay lobby” will force Americans to like anal sex and bestiality. “They’re going to be saying, ‘You’re intolerant, you’re intolerant, you’re trying to mitigate against these nice people who like dogs, what’s wrong with you?”
Robertson ended his statement by yelling and shaking his fists at the gay clouds in the sky.