Senator Joni Ernst hosted the very first “Roast and Ride” over the weekend in her home state of Iowa.  The event featured motorcycles, BBQ pork, and unscrupulous reactionary GOP politicians. Riding shotgun was Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, who declared “I love a Senator who knows how to castrate a pig, ride a hog and cut the pork from Washington, D.C.” He was presumably speaking about Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders. Twice-indicted former Texas Governor Rick Perry joined the fun after four years of rehearsing how to ride a motorcycle. Florida Senator Marco Rubio swam in to Iowa after fleeing the evil Castro regime in Cuba along with his family to join the festivities. Mike Huckabee phoned in from a female high school locker room. Carly Fiorina and Ben Carson were present but remained irrelevant.  My article “Game Of GOP Thrones: Dancing With Hogs (Roast + Ride Edition)” features my parody song “Joni likes to castrate Piggies” and quotes from Game of Thrones Season Five Episode Nine “The Dance Of Dragons.”

“Which do you love most, humiliation or pain? That one hurt, didn’t it? – (smacks) – You going to cry? Give up, little sister.”

Charles and David Koch created a hideous but sentient creature named Joni Ernst in an unorthodox political experiment. The Monster learned to speak by listening to propaganda from Americans for Prosperity and the American Legislative Exchange Council. The Koch brothers attempted to create the perfect neoliberal shill in the guise of a folksy, gun-toting Crest commercial model, however the Creature betrayed the Libertarian gospel by advocating for neoconservative “Hawkeye” war mongering. My parody song “Joni likes to castrate Piggies” is a précis of the latest Republican sensation (chosen to give the GOP response to President Barack Obama’s 2015 State of the Union address).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sCZTHntFCyc

Joni likes to castrate Piggies
In the Hawkeye State
She wants to impeach Obama
Wouldn’t that be great?
Give more rights to states to nullify laws

Joni likes to talk about Agenda 21
UN takes the sovereign nations
and turns them into one
Takes away the fun of Private Property

Joni’s got Koch brothers backing
Americans for Prosperity
Joni has become a favorite of Koch brothers
Charles and David

Joni likes to castrate Piggies loves to make them squeal
Joni is a bit sadistic, things are getting real
Now she steers the wheel of the GOP

“Joni likes to castrate Piggies”
Lyrics by James Rustad. Copyright 2015. All Rights Reserved.

“And how many people will die to make this happen? If it comes to that, they will have died for a good reason. Those men think they’re dying for a good reason. Someone else’s reason.”

Senator Ernst (in an interview with ABC’s Jonathan Karl) said: “I am not ready to put ground troops in, but I think we are coming to a juncture where we will have to make that hard decision.” She continued: “having served in the Middle East, I see a need at some point. If we don’t get this situation under control, ISIS will continue to spread. And I think most of our service members understand that, and I think many of them are ready to go back. If that call comes up, they are going to answer that call.” (Frightening stuff, folks….)

“Ser Byron Swann wanted to kill the dragon Vhagar.
He polished his shield for a week so that it was like a mirror.
And he crouched behind it and crept forward, hoping the dragon would only see its own reflection.
But the dragon saw a dumb man holding a mirrored shield.
And burnt him to a crisp. Thus ending the dragon-slaying career of Ser Byron Swann.”

Only a dumb man wears a helmet like this…..

 

Scott Walker

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4j66fd3dJYI

My name’s Scott Walker – I believe in “Right to Work”
I like to bust the Unions because I am a pompous jerk
If I can take on 100,000 protesters, I can do the same across the world
Just don’t ask me if Obama loves America

I don’t like teachers
Because I never finished school
I don’t like firefighters
Because I am a corporate tool
My whole career is such a joke – I am a stooge for the Brothers Koch
Just don’t ask me if Obama’s Christian

I am great at talking points – Not so good at tough questions
Reporters ask them any way
“I’ll punt on that” that’s what I say
I wish they would leave me alone – I want to stay in my comfort zone
Just don’t ask me about evolution

“My name’s Scott Walker”
Lyrics by James Rustad. Copyright 2015. All Rights Reserved.

“Oysters, clams, and cock– How much for your little clam?”

Trans-phobic Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee (at the 2015 National Religious Broadcasters Convention in Nashville, Tennessee earlier this year) said: “Now I wish that someone told me that when I was in high school that I could have felt like a woman when it came time to take showers in PE. I’m pretty sure that I would have found my feminine side and said, ‘Coach, I think I’d rather shower with the girls today.’ You’re laughing because it sounds so ridiculous, doesn’t it?” (Yes you do sound ridiculous, Huck. Yes you do…..)