James Rustad reviews the 2015 MTV Video Music Awards (VMAs) and creates a Millennial mash-up of Kanye West’s bizarre VMA Video Vanguard Award acceptance speech with words of “wisdom” from Trump. Behold the “Kanye Trump speech.”

Last night I endured the 2015 MTV Video Music Awards (VMAs). Causing concern to this author, Kanye West declared his upcoming 2020 run for President of the United States. In actuality, Taylor Swift showed the most diplomatic potential of the bunch as she capably negotiated her own conflicts with Kanye and Nicki Minaj.

The VMAs were an excruciating display of common vulgarity. MTV has devolved into a homeless man’s Cinemax, and it’s award show is “Exhibit A” of the decline of the American empire. I identify as a staunch social liberal and civil libertarian, but the evening’s disgusting spectacle made me long for the Puritanical decade of the 1950’s. The evening’s music, particularly Justin Bieber’s mailed-in “comeback” performance, could have been piped in to frighten Panamanian dictators from their hiding spots. At the risk of sounding like an old fuddy-duddy (please get off of my lawn, thank you), during the proceedings I pined for the halcyon days of the 1992 VMAs (which featured Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Guns N’ Roses, and the Red Hot Chili Peppers).

The ring-leader for the pointless evening was America’s sweetheart Miley Cyrus. Cyrus has single-handedly resolved Freud’s Madonna-Whore complex for American men. Freud posited that heterosexual men can only truly love and admire women that they are not sexually attracted to, while these men cannot love the women they are carnally interested in.  Cyrus, whose grotesque exhibitionism resembles the condition of sufferers of the Kluver-Bucy syndrome (i.e., hypersexuality and hyperorality resulting from bilateral lesions of the anterior temporal lobe), comes off as neither admirable nor attractive. Beat authors like William S. Burroughs and Allen Ginsberg made drug use seem edgy and hip, but the tired marijuana references of Cyrus and West made Nancy Reagan seem prophetic with her pleas “to just say no.” It’s almost as if she knew the fate to befall Western culture in generations ahead.

Just-Say-No

America, we have come so far. From the radical visionary poetry of Patti Smith to the street-wise yet urbane performances of Marianne Faithfull, to the chic sophistication of Debbie Harry to the expansive discotheque anthems of Donna Summer to the art-pop of Kate Bush to the androgynous brilliance of Grace Jones to……

mileycyrus

Despite being heavily influenced by substances, her performance as host was remarkably substance free. A banal mirroring of narcissistic and myopic millennials (a group to which 38 year old Kanye West hilariously claimed to belong to), Cyrus fretted with Andy “B-list Sandler” Samberg over Instagram postings in what was presumably a comedic sketch.

Donald Trump has captured the heart of Tea Partiers everywhere (“Taxed enough already,” remember?) by promising a massive expansion of the federal government to seal the Mexican border with a “Wall of Trump” and mass deportations (author’s note: deporting all undocumented immigrants could cost billions). In an act of extreme boredom or desperation, depending on which perspective you take, I have decided to create a mash-up (very Millenial, I know) of Kanye West’s bizarre VMA Video Vanguard Award acceptance speech with words of “wisdom” from Trump. Without further adieu, the “Kanye Trump” speech:

“Bro, bro, listen to the Anchor Babies. Jeremy, I gotta put it down for a second. First of all, thank you, Reince Priebus, for being so gracious and giving me this Republican presidential nomination this evening. Thank you. I like victories. America needs more victories. I beat China all the time, and I beat Mexico. And I often think back to the first day I met you also. I think about when I’m in the grocery store with Melania and I have a really great conversation about water bottle labels at the register, you know? And at the end they say, ‘Oh you’re not that bad after all.’

And I think about it sometimes it crosses my mind a little bit when I go to a football stadium and 20,000 people cheer me. It crosses my mind a little bit.

And I think if i had to do it all again—what would I have done? Would I have worn a “Make America great again hat? Would I have looked into Megyn Kelly’s bleeding eyes? Y’all know you would’ve looked into that bimbo’s eyes too, America. Would I have went on stage and grabbed the mic from someone else’s? I would have captured the mic, even though I don’t like mics that get captured. You know, this news cycle tomorrow is gonna be a completely different set up. Some concert. This story will be gone. And after that night, the story should have been gone. But the effect that it had on people remained.

The problem was the contradiction. The contradiction is that I do fight for the people but in that fight, somehow, was disrespectful to people. I didn’t know how to say the right thing, the perfect thing, I sat on the sidelines and saw Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan lose. Mitt, I’m not trying to put you on blast but I saw that man in tears, bro. And I was thinking he deserved to win the presidency even though he choked the last few weeks before the election. And the small box that we are of conservatives of the evening, how could you explain that?

Sometimes I feel like you know all this stuff they run about beef and all that, sometimes I feel like I everybody goes down in the polls after they criticize Trump. Look at Lindsey Graham. He’s polling at less than 1%. How do you get less than 1%? I’m not no politician bro, and look at that. You know how many times Fox News ran that footage again? Because it got more ratings? Do you know how many times they announced Reince Priebus was gonna give me this award? Because it got more ratings?

Listen to the Anchor Babies, bro.

I still don’t understand political parties. I don’t understand how they get people who work their entire life on selling real estate, selling TV ratings to come stand on a stage and for the first time in they life be judged on a chopping block and have the opportunity to be considered a loser.

I don’t understand it bro. I do not understand when I have the best poll numbers everywhere but people don’t take me seriously…I don’t understand. I’ve been conflicted bro. I just wanted people to like me more. But f— that, bro. In 2015, I will fight to make America great again and I ain’t always gonna be polite.

Y’all might be thinking right now, ‘I wonder did he smoke something before he came out here?’ And the answer is no, I didn’t roll up a little something to knock the edge off. My brother Fred had an even better personality than me, but he lost his battle with alcohol so I don’t drink anything.

I don’t know what’s gonna happen tonight what’s gonna happen tomorrow bro but all I can say to my fellow Americans is just worry about how you feel at the time. I’m confident I believe in myself. We the millenials bro. This is a new mentality.

We’re gonna control our borders with walls and drones. We’re not gonna teach diplomacy to our kids. We’re gonna teach our kids that they can be something. That they can stand up for themselves like Trump. To believe in themselves and if my father was here right now, he was a great man by the way, he would not let me back down.

I don’t know what I’m gonna lose after this it don’t matter though because it ain’t about me, it’s about new ideas bro people with ideas people who believe in making America great again.

And yes, as you probably could’ve guessed by this moment I have decided in 2016 that I am going to be president.”

Adam-Sandler-movie

As a bonus, here is my parody song “I don’t want to twerk at Miley’s show anymore” (Lyrics and Music by James Rustad. Copyright 2014):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VU5CgeCbYyM

I don’t want to twerk at Miley’s show anymore
No I don’t want to twerk at Miley’s show anymore
I don’t want to grind and bump — I don’t want to shake my rump
I don’t want to twerk at Miley’s show anymore
I am giving my two weeks’ notice It’s time that I resigned
I don’t want to twerk at Miley’s show anymore

She made me shave off half my head and swing on a ball and chain
And I was dancing with the son of the dad from “Growing Pains”
Stick my tongue out so much like I have damage to my brain
And then I smoked so much spice that I nearly went insane
I used to be so wholesome I used to be so pure
I don’t want to twerk at Miley’s show anymore

I know this little dance move has become all the rage
But I don’t want to have an epileptic fit on stage
I don’t want no whips and leather — I don’t want no cage
On this phase of my life it’s time to turn the page
I used to be so wholesome — I used to be so pure
I don’t want to twerk at Miley’s show anymore