Former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina delivered a well-received but factually inaccurate performance at the second Republican presidential debate last week. She surged in the polls to second place and is now nipping at the heels of front-runner Donald Trump. As expected, “The Donald” resorted to personal insults about his challenger: “She’s got a line of pitter-patter that I’ve heard many times from her…in fact, somebody accused her the other day of being robotic. I think she’s very robotic.” My new column “Carly Fiorina: Ms. Robot” features quotes from the television program “Mr. Robot” and my latest musical parody video entitled “Carly Fiorina.”
“Look into my face, Romero. You and I both know I’m crazy. Not the cute kind either, I’m talking crazy-crazy. (Pulls Gun) We lost touch. Forgot the feeling of spilling blood on the battlefield but winning the fight. I didn’t want to hurt you Romero. I love you, man. I just wanted you to come back to the arcade with me so we could change the world together. I am clearly too crazy for you to say no to. BAM!! (Laughs) Look on your face? Priceless.”
“Is it that we collectively thought that Steve Jobs was a great man? Even when we knew he made billions off the backs of children. Or maybe it’s that it feels like all our heroes are counterfeit. The world itself is just one big hoax. Spamming each other with our commentary bullsh-t masquerading as insight. Our social media faking us into intimacy, or is that we voted for this? Not with our rigged elections, but with our things, our property, our money. I’m not saying anything new, we all know why we do this. Not because Hunger games books makes us happy, but because we want to be sedated. Because it’s painful not to pretend, because we’re cowards. F–k Society.”
Fiorina’s rags-to-riches “secretary to CEO” story is another homespun fairy tale from the GOP “pull yourselves up by the bootstraps” myth-making machine. Next thing you know, she’ll be telling us she grew up on a farm castrating hogs with Joni Ernst.
“Hello friend. Hello friend? That’s lame. Maybe I should give you a name. But that’s a slippery slope, you’re only in my head, we have to remember that. Sh-t, this actually happened, I’m talking to an imaginary person. What I’m about to tell you is top secret. A conspiracy bigger than all of us. There’s a powerful group of people out there that are secretly running the world. I’m talking about the guys no one knows about, the ones that are invisible. The top 1% of the top 1%, the guys that play God without permission. And now I think they’re following me.”
“You sound just like them. Have some moral fiber and leave their asses. Their practices are well-documented and it’s all despicable. Listen, this isn’t my business, but don’t drink their Kool-Aid.”
Fiorina has proven adept at memorizing neoconservative talking points, which should be thoroughly discredited and disowned by anyone with any sense at this point:
However, Fiorina’s fluency in the language of War Hawks (perhaps, not surprisingly) impresses a Republican base conditioned to the blustery cluelessness of Trump and the spaced-out indifference of Ben Carson.
“There’s a smart time to be scared, bro… and a stupid time.”
Rand “Don’t Drone Me, Bro” Paul was the only individual on the debate stage not calling for World War III and unnecessary foreign entanglements…..and this is how Paul’s fellow Republicans responded to his prescription for a non-interventionist foreign policy:
“The world is a dangerous place, Elliott, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing.”
Ms. Fiorina pledged not to talk to Vladimir Putin and Moscow. You know, because if you don’t talk with them, they just might disappear.
“Corporate greed is a trickle down desire that reaches even the bottom of the food chain.”
Fiorina may not want to talk with Russia now but some shady dealings with Russian officials occurred under her watch at HP. She may not want to lift sanctions on Iran now, however HP looked the other way as a Middle Eastern distributor sold printers for them to Iran (effectively working around sanctions).
“We’ve been blinded by a myopic focus on the wrong players.”
The media lavishes attention upon Trump, Carson, and Fiorina. Judging from history, it is only a matter of time before “The Bushees” systematically take their legs out from under them with patented dirty tricks.
Fiorina can still hope that Jeb Bush throws her a biscuit to be his nominee for Vice President. Here’s my latest musical parody video “Carly Fiorina” :
You were working as a temporary secretary when I met you
Then you became the CEO of Hewlett Packard – There’s nothing you can’t do
2015 the GOP’s at your feet – Debates are easy for you
But don’t forget you sold printers to Iran – Sanctions meant nothing to you
Carly Fiorina – As politicians go they don’t make them any meaner
Carly Fiorina – Planned Parenthood Videos she watched them all, you should have seen her
She hangs with the CIA, and the NSA – If you vote for her we will all be sorry
CARLY FIORINA! – CARLY FIORINA!
You were shilling for the cartel of the neocons down in DC
When they asked the first thing you would do as President -You said you’d call Bibi
Now you want to start a Cold War with Vladimir P – What is wrong with you?
Have you ever heard of something called diplomacy? It’s not that hard to do
Lyrics by James Rustad. Copyright 2015. All Rights Reserved.