John Ellis “Jeb” Bush is the Florida-via-Phillips Academy-via-Texas political operator, doing dirty deeds not so dirt cheap for his nefarious Military-Industrial Complex and Wall Street allies — sometimes quasi-criminal, often not as quasi. He and his wife Columba speak more Spanish than English at home. Although he claims to be his own man, his notorious family has caught up with him — like his brother former President George “War Machine” Bush. Jeb Bush has the catatonic gaze of a low energy glad-hander desperate to stay at the adults’ GOP debate table.  My new article examines Jeb Bush’s moribund 2016 campaign for the Presidency alongside quotes from the television program “Ray Donovan.”

“I’m Ray Donovan.”

“Oh I know who you are. You’re a bag man for movie stars. You’re also an extortionist, wire-tapper; well, basically you’re an all around piece of sh-t.”

Jeb Bush is a two-bit neoconservative ghoul who needs to wake up and smell the smelling salts. He stumbles around in a half-concussed daze while amateurs like Donald Trump and Ben Carson ritualistically dance around the grave of his campaign. Imagine the scene every morning when handlers from Jeb’s Super-PAC “Right To Rise USA” inject his veins full of an adrenaline atropine cocktail designed to elicit a half-hearted smirk from his drooling visage.

Weekend at Bernies


“Stop offering people sh-t! This is a home invasion!”

Jeb Bush, speaking at the East Cooper Republican Women’s Club annual Shrimp Dinner, implored: “Think about it this way, Republicans get 4-7 percent of the African-American vote…If you double that, you win elections in Ohio, Virginia. And we should make that case, because our message is one of hope and aspiration. It isn’t one of division, “get in line, we’ll take care of you with free stuff.” Our message is uplifting, that says, “You can achieve earned success. We’re on your side.” ”

“Mrs. Minassian, my father’s a dipsh-t, he’s always been a dipsh-t. Unfortunately there’s nothing I can do about that. What I can do is offer to pay you back for any inconvenience he may have caused you.”

While this Republican Shrimp Dinner is surely a hub of self-made achievement, Jeb would be remiss to forget that he inherited “free stuff” from his own elite family. As the late, great Lou Reed once sang in “Men Of Good Fortune” :  “It takes money to make money they say.”

Since we are on the topic of stuff, this was Jeb Bush’s response to the tragic mass shooting in Oregon: “We’re in a difficult time in our country and I don’t think that more government is necessarily the answer to this. I think we need to reconnect ourselves with everybody else. It’s just, it’s very sad to see. But I resist the notion — and I did, I had this, this challenge as governor, because we have — look, stuff happens. There’s always a crisis and the impulse is always to do something, and it’s not necessarily the right thing to do.”

“You want to trade your brother for your dad?”

“Any day of the f-ckin’ week.”

File under “desperate times call for desperate measures” : Jeb “my own man” Bush will likely interrupt his brother George’s water coloring sessions to trot him out in front of South Carolina Republican primary voters. Color me impressed!

“Money is a kind of poetry. You know the poet Wallace Stevens?”

“Missed that one.”

“He was two things. Vice President of the Hartford Insurance Company and one of the 20th Century’s greatest poets. That’s my favorite line of his, money is a kind of poetry. “

“It doesn’t rhyme.”

Because Jeb is “running on his record,” we will mention that he allowed the Lehman Brothers to bungle Florida pensions while governor then took a $1.3 million dollar a year consultant job for them in 2007 just as he left the governor’s office.

“We’re talking about selling yet another American institution to a foreign company. I need a little more time.”

Jeb Bush is knee-deep in overseas funds, foreign entanglements, and mysterious investors. If the rest of the GOP Clown Car isn’t successful in their efforts to topple the Jeb Bush Super-PAC juggernaut, his similarities to Mitt Romney may bring him down. In the meantime, we can look forward to more gaffes from the mascot for this comatose carcass of a campaign:

File under “false consciousness” : in addition to his mistaking himself for a self-made man, Jeb Bush once labeled himself “Hispanic” on a voter-registration application in 2009. Here is my parody music video titled “My name is Jeb Bush, I am Hispanic!” :