Texas Democrats Seek to Violate Sanctity of the Male Testicle

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Democrats in the Texas State House, in an effort to counter the GOP’s efforts to insert the government into a woman’s vagina like a legislative tampon, are fighting back. They are one step closer to outlawing the sin of “Onanism” in the Lone Star State.

Onanism has been a naughty no-no ever since God wrote the book of Genesis. We all know the story as Sunday School teachers have been teaching about the dangers of “waxing the surfboard” for centuries. (Genesis 38:8-9 KJV)

8 And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother’s wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother.

And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.

Well, being a just and wise God, the Almighty knew how to deal with a seed-spiller!

10 And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also. (Genesis 38:10 KJV)

Once the Lord realized there wouldn’t be a teenage boy left on the face of the Earth if he kept to the practice of killing all seed-spillers, he moderated the punishment and made them go blind and grow hair on palms of their hands instead,

But that’s not good enough for the Godly Democrats in Texas want to criminalize “flogging the dolphin.” They want to put these “pickle polishers” in jail, where nothing of a violent sexual nature ever happens.

Wait… a DEMOCRAT proposed this anti-beating-the-bishop law?

Are they trying to be funny? Who spanks the monkey more than Democrats? (Other than Republicans, that is?)

A proposed bill in Texas that would impose a fine for male masturbation is making its way through the state’s legislature.

House Bill 4260, called the “Man’s Right to Know Act,” would punish male masturbation with a $100 fine, and require men who want Viagra to be subject to a rectal exam.

The bill, filed earlier this year by Texas legislator Rep. Jessica Farrar (D), was referred to the House State Affairs Committee on Tuesday.

By focusing on male masturbation, the proposed legislation is an obvious attempt to satirize and draw attention to the unreasonable and dangerous policy proposals concerning women’s reproductive freedom coming from the Republican Party.

Oh, those wily, wicked Democrats! Farrar is a vocal abortion rights activist, with a long record of opposing legislation in Texas hostile to women’s reproductive freedom.

The Statesman reports the details of the new legislation prohibiting unregulated male masturbation:

The bill calls “masturbatory emissions” an “act against an unborn child, and failing to preserve the sanctity of life.”

The bill also contains provisions that would also put restrictions on vasectomies, Viagra prescriptions and colonoscopies, including:

  • The state must create an informational booklet called “A Man’s Right to Know” that contains information and illustrations on the benefits of and concerns about those three treatments. A man must review the booklet before going through with any of them.

  • A man must receive a rectal exam and an MRI of his rectum before any of the three treatments.

  • A man would not be able sue a doctor for refusing to provide those treatments or another procedure if the procedure violates the doctor’s “personal, moralistic, or religious beliefs.”

  • A doctor must obtain consent from the man before providing the treatment, and the man may give it only if he waits at least 24 hours after the doctor’s visit.

  • The state must establish a registry of nonprofit organizations and hospitals that provide abstinence counseling, a supervising physician for “masturbatory emissions,” and semen storage.

  • “Masturbatory emissions” must be stored for the wife for conception.

Gander, meet goose. As Patheos reports:

Bottom line (Heh. “Bottom”. -Ed): Turnabout is fair play. (It can also be FORE play. -Ed.) By focusing on male masturbation House Bill 4260 demonstrates the absurdity and cruelty of the constant and ongoing effort by Republicans to demean and stigmatize women in their pursuit of reproductive health care.

Go get’ em gals! And always wear rubber gloves. You never know what he’s had up there before the exam.