According to reporting by Newsweek, Stormy Daniels, the porn star who allegedly had an affair with Donald Trump before he was president, said Trump once asked her to spank him with a copy of Forbes Magazine.

We know. This will read as if it comes from one of the successful satire sites on the web. But this is actual news, actually reported by an actual news source.

Take a deep breath, keep reading.

In emails obtained by Mother Jones from 2009, when Daniels was embarking on a political career, campaign strategists working for her at the time and looking for possible donor contacts in her cell phone chattered about the relationship between Daniels and Trump: Andrea Dubé, a Democratic political consultant wrote, “Donald Trump? In her cell phone?” 

Another consultant, whom Mother Jones did not name, responded, “Yep. She says one time he made her sit with him for three hours watching ‘shark week.’ Another time he had her spank him with a Forbes magazine.”

Let’s pause a moment. Try to think of something pleasant. A sunset at the beach. A snowy Christmas morning.

OK. Back to it.

In another report recently published in  In Touch magazine, which interviewed Daniels years ago, she describes once again the president’s affinity for “Shark Week,” a week of shark-focused programming on the Discovery Channel. Daniels said Trump watched the program “obsessively.” In that interview, Daniels claimed, “He told me once that I was someone to be reckoned with, beautiful and smart, just like his daughter.”

No, we don’t know of any occasion where the President of the United States asked his daughter to spank him, or what magazine he would prefer she do it with…

Oh, God.

Pleasant thoughts. Teddy bears… Cotton candy… Unicorns…