What will the new year bring? Why, resolutions, of course. We resolve to see this curious conflict to its end, and we predict this will be the year that the Breitbart universe rapidly cools off and enters a higher state of entropy due to exponential karmic forces.

  • Defendants in Kimberlin v Walker et al will attempt to call Neal Rauhauser to the stand at the January 13 hearing. When the judge declines to admit their conspiracy theories as evidence, they will RAEG
  • Depressed from his inability to take down the “domestic terrorist” Brett Kimberlin, Aaron Walker will build a bomb to blow himself up and blame his nemesis. But because everything Walker does backfires on him, the bomb will be a dud until he jumps up and down on it several times in frustration, at which point it will explode but leave him hilariously still alive
  • Ali Akbar will find his jail cell bed has been short-sheeted
  • After many years of dedicated effort, William Hoge Jr. will finally get a job when he is hired to replace Jay Elliot as pizza delivery boy. He will be fired after his first attempt to hit on a pretty customer
  • William Hoge will be forced to leave Westminster in disgrace and move into a tarpaper shack in Robert Stacy McCain’s West Virginia neighborhood
  • Lee Stranahan will be subpoenaed in Shirley Sherrod’s lawsuit against the Andrew Breitbart estate. He will respond with an emergency fundraiser that shall be sponsored by R.S. McCain and W.J.J. Hoge
  • Breitbart.com will continue to rely on Alexa rankings, which are easily faked, in order to pretend they are relevant
  • In court, Kimberlin Unmasked will turn out to be Dustin Farahnak inside a Dustyn Hughes costume inside a Lynn Thomas costume
  • Ted Cruz will endorse Steve Stockman’s primary bid against John Cornyn
  • Bitcoin will collapse in value, ruining Dan Backer’s investment portfolio

Everyone have a Happy New Year, and remember that the future is where we will all live!