My new column “Game Of GOP Thrones: Bowed, Bent, and Broken Wingnut” recaps the week in foreign policy blustering by the GOP Clown Car alongside quotes from the sixth episode of Game of Thrones Season Five. Marco Rubio, who puts the “con” in neoconservative, says it best with his presidential campaign slogan: “NOTHING MATTERS IF WE’RE NOT SAFE.” Indeed, “NOTHING MATTERS IF WE’RE NOT SAFE FROM A MARCO RUBIO PRESIDENCY.”

“You’re an awful travelling companion, do you know that? Possibly the least charming man I’ve ever met.”

Senator Marco Rubio of Florida has a messianic foreign policy and he is eager to get the United States embroiled in yet more ill-advised and half-baked conflicts in the Middle East. Even though Saudi Arabia is starving Yemen with U.S. backing, Rubio stated (at a question-and-answer session after his speech at Council on Foreign Relations): “Ultimately you could embed (U.S.) Special Operations Forces to help them “improve their capabilities.”

As Adil E. Shamoo reported in Truth-Out (, “though it’s likely that Tehran is helping the Houthis in some capacity, scholars on Yemen have been unable to gather much credible evidence of Iran’s military involvement. Even Katherine Zimmerman, a policy wonk at the right-wing American Enterprise Institute, told Foreign Policy there was “nothing that’s seen as hard evidence” to indicate Iranian involvement.”

Rubio claimed that the “world has never been more dangerous than it is today.” This is not the first time that he stretched the truth:

“I need to turn this bunch of thieves and runaways into men of the Night’s Watch.”

The jaundiced world view of George W. Bush and Dick Cheney lives on in the hackneyed and disingenuous posturing of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. There’s nothing I enjoy more than homespun and folksy neo-con platitudes, so I was delighted to hear that today Governor Christie’s speech in Portsmouth, New Hampshire outlined his platform about America’s role in the world:

Please allow me to recap the “highlights” and add color commentary:

Christie proclaimed that American exceptionalism isn’t a punch line – it’s a set of principles. (Yes, a faulty set of principles.)

Chris Christie, (Mall) Cop of the World:


“Jaime’s away on a sensitive diplomatic mission.”

Christie criticized the U.S. diplomatic efforts as toasts to “the promises of the ayatollahs.” (Translation: he wants to bomb them.)

He stated: “No one understands any longer whom America stands with or against.” (It is very simple: America stands with Israel, sleeps with Wall Street, spoons with defense contractors, and is against Electronic Benefit Transfer [EBT] recipients).

Christie continued: “It was at time (September 11, September 11, September 11, September 11, September 11) President Bush nominated me to be US Attorney for the District of New Jersey.” (Bush called Christie “Big Boy”).

Christie continued, moving on to an analysis of the Surveillance State: “When Edward Snowden revealed our intelligence secrets to the world in 2013, civil liberties extremists (i.e., anti-authoritarians) seized that moment to advance their own narrow agenda. They (i.e., Rand Paul) want you to think that there’s a government spook listening in every time you pick up the phone or Skype with your grandkids. (There are.)

Christie on “The Torture Report” : “Last year, Democrats on the Senate Intelligence Committee released a one-sided and inaccurate attack on our intelligence services.” (Former Idaho Senator Frank Church somewhere is smiling; also, Christie thinks torture is cool.)

Christie on the “Patriot Act” : “We should begin by passing a clean extension of the Patriot Act…I used this tool (huh-huh) extensively, aggressively and legally as US Attorney and I can tell you this: it works.

“You’ll find there’s little tolerance for flesh peddlers in the new King’s Landing.”

“We both peddle fantasies, Brother Lancel. Mine just happen to be entertaining.”

Christie on Iran: “In Yemen, they’ve launched a proxy war that has devastated our ally and represents a clear and present danger to world.” (Translation: the U.S. needs to act as Saudi Arabia’s national security system.)

Saudi billionaire (and founder of Kingdom Holding Co.) Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal owns 1% in Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp (at one time, he had the second-largest holding of voting stock in News Corp. after the Murdoch family Kingdom also has a 6.6 percent holding of 21st Century Fox Inc. (worth about $1.7 billion). Rupert Murdoch and his minions will continue to foment anti-Arab hatred to build public support for wars that serve the interests of Saudi elites.

And there will always be a place for Governor Christie at Fox News:

Christie continues: “The price of inaction is steadily rising. Just last week we saw the embarrassment of almost all the Gulf leaders, including the Saudi King, pulling out of President Obama’s summit at Camp David. Our allies want policies, not photo ops, and we’re not listening to them.” (After all, the customer is always right! We need to listen more closely to our masters, er…I mean, allies.)

“I’m not scrubbing one more corpse until you tell me why I’m doing it.”

South Carolina Senator and likely presidential candidate Lindsey Graham declared: “If I’m president of the United States and you’re thinking about joining al-Qaeda or ISIL [Islamic State], I’m not gonna call a judge. I’m gonna call a drone and we will kill you.”

“I’m not playing this stupid game anymore!”

“We never stop playing.”

Kentucky Senator and contender for the presidential nomination Rand Paul, despite his more hawkish recent stances on foreign policy and military spending, possesses a reputation as a non-interventionalist among the Lindsey Grahams and John McCains of the Republican world.

Certainly, Marco Rubio would label Paul “dangerous.”  Back in 2013, Rubio stated (in a thinly-veiled shot at Rand Paul and his father former Texas Congressman Ron Paul of Texas): “On issue after issue, these voices have used the increasing uncertainty abroad and the economic insecurity here at home to argue for it’s best for America to stay on the sidelines,” Rubio said. “Now there’s no denying that a globally engaged America comes at a steep price, but the history of our still young nation shows and is full of warnings that a lack of American engagement and leadership comes with an even higher price of it’s own.”

Hugh Hewitt, law professor, military-industrial complex enthusiast, and commentator, will be one of the moderators for the upcoming GOP debates. I am sure that Paul finds that selection delightful! Judging by these efforts by the hawkish right to undercut Rand Paul, surely he must possess incriminating photos of them. (He doesn’t like the Surveillance State as a “civil liberties extremist,” so like Kurt Cobain sang, oh well whatever nevermind.)

“Cut his throat…And then chop off his c-ck…We’ll sell it for a fortune. A dwarf’s c-ck has magic powers.”

“You can’t just hand a dry c-ck to a merchant and expect him to pay for it. He has to know it came from a dwarf. And how could he know unless he sees the dwarf?”

“It will be a dwarf-sized c-ck.”

“Guess again.”

“The dwarf lives until we find a c-ck merchant.”

Speaking of dwarf c-cks…Senator Ted Cruz (R) of Texas: