Governor Paul LePage runs Maine like Eric Cartman would lead the fictional town of South Park, Colorado.  My new article Paul LePage: The Eric Cartman Of The Tea Party” recaps LePage’s most recent scandals alongside quotes from “South Park.” Maine’s House Speaker Mark Eves accused LePage of blackmail and abuse of power after the board of a school withdrew its job offer to Eves.  The job offer rescindment occurred after LePage allegedly threatened to withhold state funding for the school.

State legislators in Maine are considering impeachment of LePage. Even Republicans are discovering that LePage’s brand of “anti-government” conservatism is authoritarian in nature. Politico dubbed LePage “America’s Craziest Governor.” The similarities between Paul LePage and Eric Cartman are uncanny. In fact, it is challenging to distinguish the quotes of the Maine Governor from those of the “South Park” cartoon character.

“Goddamn it poor people suck. Your family is already on welfare and now you’re gonna bring another kid into the world. Poor people are churning out babies, adding to the population and then expecting ME to pay for it with MY tax dollars.”

LePage categorizes Social Security as a “welfare program.” He stated: “It doesn’t matter what liberals call these payments, it is welfare, pure and simple. Liberals from the White House all the way down to Democratic leadership in Augusta believe that redistribution of wealth – taking money from hard-working taxpayers and giving it to a growing number of welfare recipients – is personal income. It’s not. It’s just more welfare expansion. Democrats can obfuscate the numbers any way they want. The fact is that we have created thousands of jobs, more Mainers are working, and their income is going up.”

“How Would You Like To S-ck My B-lls, Mr. Garrison?

One of the early “highlights” of LePage’s career occurred when he told the NAACP to “kiss his butt.”

“Ok, that does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my a–? It’s completely immature!”

LePage told reporters that Democratic State Senator Troy Jackson “claims to be for the people, but he’s the first one to give it to the people without providing Vaseline.”

“I would never let a woman kick my a–. If she tried something, I’d be like, HEY! You get your b-tch a– back in the kitchen and make me some pie!”

LePage’s “Vaseline” statement prompted former Democratic State Representative Joanne Twomey to shout at LePage during a question-and-answer session and throw a Vaseline container on the stage as security personnel escorted her out of the room.

“You seem a little irritable, Kyle. You got some sand in your v-gina?”

LePage is a true leader of the “War On Women” with his anti-woman health record and agenda.

“Hippies….They’re everywhere. They wanna save the earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad.”

Paul LePage, like all good authoritarians, wants to expand the disastrous “War On Drugs.” In his dystopian Right Wing Nanny State, he sees marijuana as a “Gateway Drug.”

“I hate hippies! I mean, the way they always talk about ‘protectin’ the earth’ and then drive around in cars that get poor gas mileage and wear those stupid bracelets – I hate ’em! I wanna kick ’em in the n-ts!”

A staunch anti-environmentalist, LePage dismissed dangers of the chemical BPA, saying the “worst case is some women may have little beards.”

“If you screw this up, My GOD help me i will rip your balls with my bare hands, you hear me my bare hands.”

LePage joked about shooting Bangor Daily News political cartoonist/satirist George Danby. This was in extremely poor taste given the Charlie Hebdo shootings and multiple other deadly incidents involving firearms.

“Respect My Authority!”

Governor Paul LePage of Maine submitted a bill to prohibit municipal minimum wage increases higher than the state minimum of $7.50 an hour in places like Portland and Bangor. He says higher mandated minimum wages anywhere in Maine would harm older residents on fixed incomes and they would no longer be able to afford a cup of coffee. “I am so tired of hearing minimum wage,” LePage said (at a debate last year [October 8] hosted by the Portland Regional Chamber of Commerce).

“Whatever…Ill do what I want”

Listen to me perform the song “I am Governor LePage” right here:

I’m Governor LePage I am
Governor LePage I am I am
My names Governor Paul LePage
I won’t raise the minimum wage

I don’t care what voters say to me
I’ve made Maine into my Monarchy
I’m Governor Paul LePage of Maine
Governor Paul LePage

I, along with the Maine Green Party, propose that we have to “Fight For 15!”

We gotta fight for 15, can’t you see what I mean?
We gotta fight for 15 for everyone

If we follow corporations we will dig our early graves
They underpay their workers – leave the government to save them
The cost of living rises while the wages stagnate low
These non-liveable wages – don’t you know they have to go?

We gotta fight for 15, can’t you see what I mean?
We gotta fight for 15 for everyone

Fast food chains try to pull a fast one on their employees
And the fast food joints are fat and happy with government subsidies
Record Profit Margins made while the workers toil away
We gotta get them unions who will stand right up and say

We gotta fight for 15, can’t you see what I mean?
We gotta fight for 15 for everyone

“Alright, that does it. Screw you guys, I’m going home.”

LePage once famously implored: “The minute we start stifling our speech, we might as well go home, roll up our sleeves and get our guns out.”

Song Credits:

“I am Governor Paul LePage” (Lyrics by James Rustad. Copyright 2015. All Rights Reserved).

“Fight For 15” (Lyrics and Music by James Rustad. Copyright 2014. All Rights Reserved).

By James Rustad

James Rustad is a songwriter/vocalist/guitarist based in the Tampa Bay (Florida) area. His political satire music has been featured in Breitbart Unmasked, The Washington Post, Seattle PI, Alaska Dispatch, Firebrand Progressives, Politicalgates, Inquisitr,, The Bergen Record, Air Occupy, and other top publications and media outlets. Check out for more catchy tunes, follow James on Twitter @jamesrustadsong, and like jamesrustadmusic on Facebook!

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